Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples: Rebuilding Connection Through Emotion
Introduction: Why Do We Struggle to Connect?
Relationships are built on emotional bonds—when those bonds feel secure, we thrive; when they feel threatened, we struggle. Many couples find themselves caught in cycles of conflict, emotional distance, or repeated misunderstandings, leaving them feeling stuck, frustrated, and alone.
This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) comes in. Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is one of the most researched and effective approaches to couples therapy (Johnson, 2004). It focuses on helping partners understand their attachment needs, regulate emotional responses, and create new patterns of connection.
In this blog, we’ll explore:
The core principles of EFT
Who can benefit from EFT
When EFT may not be the best fit
A case study illustrating EFT in action
How EFT is a trauma-informed approach
The Core Principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT is grounded in attachment theory, which suggests that our need for deep emotional connection is wired into us (Bowlby, 1988). When those connections feel threatened, we react—sometimes by pursuing (seeking reassurance, protesting the distance) and other times by withdrawing (shutting down, emotionally distancing) (Johnson, 2019).
EFT helps couples recognize and shift these patterns by focusing on three key stages:
1. Identifying Negative Cycles
• Couples become aware of the patterns keeping them stuck (e.g., one person withdraws, the other chases).
• The goal is to see the pattern as the problem—not each other.
2. Restructuring Emotional Responses
• Partners share their deeper fears and needs in a way that fosters safety and connection.
• Instead of reacting defensively, they learn to turn towards each other with vulnerability.
3. Consolidating New Patterns
• Couples practice responding to each other in new ways, reinforcing emotional security.
• The cycle of disconnection is replaced with a new pattern of closeness and trust (Johnson, 2007).
Who Would Benefit from EFT?
EFT is especially helpful for couples who:
Struggle with communication and emotional closeness
Experience recurring conflicts that never seem to resolve
Feel distant or disconnected but still want to rebuild their relationship
Have trust wounds (from past relationships, family history, or betrayals)
Want to strengthen their emotional and physical intimacy
According to research, EFT has a 70–75% success rate in helping couples move from distress to secure attachment and 90% of couples report significant improvement (Dalgleish et al., 2015).
When EFT May Not Be the Right Approach
While EFT is powerful, it is not appropriate for every couple. Certain factors may require individual therapy or other interventions before couples work can be beneficial (Dalgleish et al., 2015).
Contraindications for EFT include:
• Active emotional or physical abuse (couples therapy should never be used where there is ongoing harm).
• Untreated substance use issues that impair emotional presence.
• Severe mental health crises, such as suicidality, that require individual crisis intervention first.
• One or both partners being unwilling to engage in the process or having ongoing affairs
If any of these factors are present, it’s often recommended to seek individual support first before engaging in couples therapy.
Case Study: The Pursuer & Withdrawer Cycle
Meet Alex and Sam—a couple caught in a painful cycle of chasing and withdrawal.
• Alex deeply desires emotional closeness and often initiates conversations about their relationship, but when Sam doesn’t respond emotionally, Alex pushes harder, feeling rejected and alone.
• Sam, on the other hand, grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t expressed openly, so when Alex expresses frustration, Sam feels overwhelmed, criticised and then, pulls away.
The Breaking Point
Over time, Alex stopped seeking closeness from Sam and turned to deep emotional support from friends instead. Sam, once comfortable with distance, now felt threatened and jealous—leading to arguments, accusations, and further withdrawal.
How EFT Helped
Identifying the Cycle: Instead of seeing each other as the problem, Alex and Sam learned to recognize the real enemy—their pattern of disconnection.
Restructuring Emotional Responses: Sam learned to identify their fear of emotional vulnerability and express feelings instead of shutting down. Alex learned that their need for closeness was valid but needed to be communicated differently.
Rebuilding Connection: Through EFT, they practiced responding differently, turning toward each other rather than away. Over time, they built a new foundation of trust, safety, and emotional closeness.
Why EFT is Trauma-Informed
Many couples bring attachment wounds from childhood or past relationships into their dynamic, which can shape how they seek or avoid emotional intimacy (Johnson, 2019).
A trauma-informed approach to EFT means:
Prioritizing emotional safety so both partners feel secure.
Understanding that past trauma shapes current patterns (e.g., emotional shutdown may have been a survival mechanism).
Moving at a gentle pace, respecting each partner’s comfort level with vulnerability.
Focusing on regulation, so neither partner feels overwhelmed by emotions.
By integrating trauma awareness into EFT, couples can heal not just their relationship but also deep-seated attachment wounds.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Emotionally Focused Therapy
At its core, EFT is not about fixing communication—it’s about healing disconnection. When partners feel safe, heard, and emotionally supported, communication naturally improves.
If you and your partner feel stuck, disconnected, or caught in painful patterns, EFT can offer a path towards deep healing and reconnection. Whether you are looking to strengthen your bond or rebuild trust, EFT can help you turn towards each other again—with understanding, compassion, and love.
Interested in exploring EFT? I invite you to reach out and begin your journey toward reconnection.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Dalgleish, T. L., Johnson, S. M., Burgess Moser, M., Lafontaine, M. F., Wiebe, S. A., & Tasca, G. A. (2015). Predicting change in marital satisfaction throughout Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 41(3), 276–291. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12077
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Routledge.
Johnson, S. M. (2007). A New Era for Couple Therapy: Theory, Research, and Practice in Concert. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 26(4), 5-16. https://doi.org/10.1521/jsyt.2007.26.4.5
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
